Inventions that should happen ASAP

Here's a compilation of my iPhone notes app, entitled "CRAP I NEED".

A doorbell next to my nightstand, for if there’s an intruder in my apartment. I press the bell, and a loud, angry redneck comes booming over the speaker, “GET OUTA MY HOUSE YA FLEABAG” *cocks shotgun* *ferocious pitbull barking* “YOU’S BEST BE GONE, I’M COMIN’.”

A secret trap door in my Kitchen, just in case said intruder isn’t scared off by Bubba.

A house elf to do laundry. But we’d be friends, he could have socks.

A small triangular crowd pusher, worn on my torso, for those crazy mornings at the Union Square transfer. Much like a cow pusher on the front of trains.

If that doesn’t work: a spiked, suspended hula-hoop, giving me a comfortable 2-foot circumference of personal space.

A shrink-ray gun. Mostly to shrink down the Royal Munchkin kitty, so I can bring her to work.

A disguised voice changer, so I can talk like Gollum to the creepy boys at bars.

A bed that changes from perfectly squishy to hard and uncomfortable, so you fall asleep quick and want to wake up in the morning.

The Force, just to make cars move wHEN I’M WALKIN’ HERE!

A mini police light and siren, just in case I’m ever in a scary situation. Just plop a patrol car light on my head and run away, blaring siren noises and yelling “NOT TODAY!”.

Alcohol that hydrates and leaves no hangover. Ooh, and it should be free. Yup, best idea so far.

Invisible tree air fresheners, and a sneaky way to hang them on foul train passengers.