POTENTIAL NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Ah, hello, December 1st. You’ve reminded me of something. Resolutions.

2017 is just a month away, so what better time for me to plan my upcoming empty promises? For the record, I can’t recall a time I’ve actually followed a resolution. In fact, my 2016 resolution moseyed its way from Short Term Memory into my Unrecoverable Memory Black Hole sometime around March.

Please enjoy this list of potential New Year’s Resolutions I’ve considered for this fast approaching New Year.  

Start - and then stop - making jokes that my New Year's Resolution is 1920 x 1080 pixels.

Find out why Tomi Lahren is so angry all the time.

Say “You know what really grinds my gears?” more often.

Not let my outrageously impossible good looks make me feel insecure / stop blushing when people think I’m a Victoria’s Secret model.

Don’t snap anyone’s selfie stick.

Get more kisses. Preferably Hershey.

Stop saying “sorry” when I’m not sorry at all.

Stop eating so many gummy vitamins just because they’re delicious.

Check for toilet paper before using any public restroom.

Invent a Google Chrome app that blocks users from drunkenly ordering things on Amazon.  Or just stop drunkenly ordering things on Amazon.

Stop saying “You just lost the game!”

Start using “meditation” as a euphemism for “naptime”

Find out what a jackfruit tastes like.

Replace my signature with a fun doodle on receipts.

Eat healthier.

Make more fried cheese curds.

Master a few solid, lengthy jokes.

Respond to “How are you?” With “I’m well, thanks” instead of “I’m good, thanks”. Because grammar.

Start asking more thought provoking questions.

Stop saying I’d bathe in Mac & Cheese and just do it already.

Love myself like Kanye loves himself.

Embrace going out by myself.

Embrace going out in general.

Control my urge to pet every dog I see.

Learn how to order a beer in a few more languages.

Write more lists of odd topics, like fantasy Oreo flavors. Or this one. 

 

LOL